“It’s just a phase” should be pediatricians’ official catchphrase. They love to say this when a parent brings up a concern about their child's behavior. To give them credit, I’m sure they deal with a lot of unanswerable questions from anxious parents. The “phase” label implies two things about the behavior: 1) it’s not a big deal and 2) it’s temporary. Basically, don’t worry about it. But what if the behavior is something to worry about?
Most behaviors are not very meaningful outside of a broader context.
Why did my 1.5-year-old bite his friend at daycare?
Why does my daughter like to line up her toys while playing with them?
Why did my son eat dirt?
I don’t know! Kids do a lot of weird things.
There are normal developmental phases throughout childhood. Babies are okay with new people for a while and then go back to “stranger danger” mode. In the middle of childhood, kids think boys/girls have cooties and have no romantic interests. Teens think they are invincible and negative consequences only follow other people’s actions, not theirs.
The first question I would ask to determine whether it’s “just a phase” is: Does the behavior lines up with a known developmental stage for all children? If so, it probably is nothing to worry about. If not, let’s keep diving into it.
If a behavior that is normal at a certain age is occurring at an atypical age, it might be cause for concern. Caveat: If your child is known to have a developmental delay, then you would want to line this up with their current developmental stage rather than their age.
It is normal for a 1-year-old to cling to mommy when meeting someone new. It would be unusual for a 12-year-old to do the same. Fifteen-year-olds often spend a lot of time thinking and talking about dating. It would be surprising for a 7-year-old to have the same level of interest. A 2-year-old might occasionally bite a friend. A 10-year-old hopefully would not.
A behavior occurring outside of its expected developmental stage on a regular basis could be a sign of a mental health/developmental issue.
Now, what if the behavior is not related to a typical developmental stage?
My teenage son wears the same Metallica shirt every day without washing it
My daughter has to turn on and off the light switch 3 times when she leaves a room
My teen stays up until 2am each night on social media
These are not behaviors displayed by most children across cultures at a certain age. Any of them, though, could be totally normal or could be cause for concern.
The next question: Is this behavior causing impairment in my child’s home, school, or social functioning or negatively impacting their health/safety?
Okay, that’s definitely a psychologist question, but let’s break it down. If the behavior is so severe that mom and dad are fighting about it and on the brink of divorce, that’s a red flag. If the behavior is leading to failing or lower than expected grades or getting in trouble at school regularly, that’s concerning. If the behavior is keeping the child or teen from making or keeping friends, that’s alarming. If the behavior could impact their physical health or cause them to be injured or worse, that is a sign that it needs attention.
Another way to think about this is whether the behavior is at the “extreme.” Many kids don’t listen to their parents from time-to-time, but most aren’t having daily, hour-long tantrums. A lot of kids are shy and slow to warm up, but they eventually speak to unfamiliar people, rather than staying mute. Kids can get into little rituals and routines to feel safe, but these rituals typically do not last a long time and can be dropped when inconvenient.
When the behavior is atypical for the child’s age and impacting their functioning, that’s when it is time to consult with a child mental health specialist. A psychologist or other professional can help determine whether the child has a developmental/mental health condition and if treatment is warranted.
I’m a proponent of not giving kids a ton of diagnostic labels and therapy when it’s not yet warranted. But I’ve often seen the reverse of this: kids, teens, and families staying stuck in suffering because they don’t know a certain behavior is atypical and can be treated using psychotherapy or behavioral parent training. Having a check-in with a qualified child mental health provider can be a game changer.
Check out my past blog posts for related content on specific childhood disorders!
What else would you like to learn? Comment below!
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